RIP Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor and George Floyd

For the last two days, I went to sleep angry and woke up angry. As a young person in a middle class American home, social media inevitably occupies most of my free time. Social media has grieved my soul distinctly lately. I believe George Floyd's murder occurred on May 27th. Almost immediately after, the video went viral on the internet. This comes mere weeks after Ahmaud Arbery's murder and Breonna Taylor's murder resurfaced from March. I have yet to watch Floyd's video past his plead for air and Arbery's video past his unmercifully stumbling last steps. But, these murders would not have come to my attention or anyone's attention had it not been for social media and its influence on what is believed and what is right and wrong.

Notice, these murders are called what they are for a reason. They are not 'incidents" or "events", these are murders.

But, for the most part, I have kept quiet.

Since the (seemingly) resurgence of police-involved murders of unarmed black people took the news by storm in 2012 with Trayvon Martin's murder and the beginning of the Black Lives Matter movement, I have felt convicted to make my voice heard on this topic. If you ask anyone who has spent enough time with me, they know where I stand when it comes to how black people are treated not only by police, but by the system we're under in this country. I wouldn't call myself 'militant' or an 'activist' because there are people who have done so much more than just be decently educated and have an opinion. That's all I am. But as of the last couple of years, when names come and go and videos surface and resurface only to drown to the bottom of the oceanic vastness of social media, it has gotten a lot easier to scroll past, say a prayer and keep it moving.

For some reason, these three people's murders, here recently, have registered differently. Not only for me, but for everyone. Riots have ensued. Protests are being organized. And I can't get on my phone, without being face to face with the reality of either someone's sadness, hate, or reprimand of indifference. My heart tells me that listening to everything that is going on is hardening and saddening my soul.

So, I haven't said anything.

Not on social media at least.

I have had conversations with those close to me and poured my heart and my mind out that way but the society that we live in only counts your sentiments if everyone can see them. For right or wrong, that is what it has become.

The thing is; I don't know what to say. I aspire to be a journalist, I have an opinion on almost everything, no matter if I know about it or not, And I have an opinion on this. But I don't know what to say.

Now, I know nobody really really cares about what I think. I'm not Lebron James or Donald Trump, but I do care what I think. I don't even know if I want to say something. I would love to log out of all of my accounts, turn on Netflix and finish Riverdale with a smoothie in hand.

But, my conscious won't let me do that either.

I have to have an opinion. I have to say something. I have to defend these lives and these people risking theirs for justice. Because, I am on their side, right?

But what side is that?

I see people in Minnesota looting, rioting, and straight up doing what they feel needs to be done for their voices to be really heard. And I can't honestly say that I think they're bad people or idiots for what they're doing. We've seen what peaceful protests have gotten us; progress, but obviously not enough. Will this make more change than Colin Kaepernick kneeling during the National Anthem or MLK's March on Washington speech? I would guess no. But all of these things have happened, peaceful and violent, and the problem remains.

And if I was to say that on my main Instagram account, with a healthy mix of college peers, Church leaders, and family members whose parents or siblings have been directly affected by this system, somebody's going to have a problem with me. I'm prepared for that, I fear no one, but that's not what this is about. I keep going back to the thought of; What if I was the one killed and a video of my murder was circulating Twitter? Would my mother want a black man in California just scrolling past, saying a prayer and keeping it moving? Would she want that man to be so indignant that he looted a store and incited violence in another mother's community?

I don't know what the move is. There seems to be a popular opinion on my version of social media (which I am sure is totally different from someone else's) where, the riots are justified, Black Lives Matter, white police are corrupt, and if you don't tweet about it you're on the side of the oppressor. And if you tweet anything contradictory to that, you're worse than the oppressor, you're a willing and glad beneficiary.

I know I'm everywhere but this blog post isn't about the riots or the individual cop who killed George Floyd or Minneapolis. This is about what really has to happen to America for the change that is so desired and yearned for.

Racism is woven into the fabric of this country as much as the name America is. The system is not just the government, the system is not just law enforcement. The system is the food we eat, the jargon we employ and the sky scrapers we revere. As long as there is race, there will be racism. And because the white population is the majority and the highest human positions are occupied by that demographic, and the history that dictates our curriculum, holidays, and lifestyles are created, perpetrated and manipulated by that demographic, they call all of the shots.

I would like to believe that under the current regime, if we tried our hardest we could change everything, and maybe we could, but (1.) we would have to change everything and (2.) I don't think I will live long enough to see it.

To change police officers killing unarmed black people, or change how the criminal justice system targets black people from a young age, or change the way black people are directed to certain professions that other races aren't, you have to change the history that legitimizes and normalizes these practices.

Our history as a country is racism, domination, hierarchy, dehumanization, and hate.

White people are not born with inherent hate in their heart toward anyone who does not look like them. It is taught, explicitly and otherwise, who they are and who the others are.

Black people are not inherently virtuous, born to endure, and with long suffering. It is taught, explicitly and otherwise, who they are and who the others are.

If everything burns to the ground and restarts with minorities on top, will things be different? Or will we still see color and will a new discriminatory history be created? We live in a fallen world, and that does not mean quit fighting for what is right, it just means that change doesn't come when you change who is in office or what you say on Twitter. Real change come when you change the hearts of people, and I think that will take a lot more than hashtags and seasonal outrage.

I'm sad, I truly am. I have a huge picture of my graduation photo with my smiling brown face in front of a blue backdrop overlooking my bed and every time I see it, I see Ahmaud Arbery's graduation photo. I can't guarantee that any of what I say or think has any merit because this is my blog and I just say what I want. But, I know that God has a plan for me, my family, my race, my country and my world. It won't stay like this forever, I just really wish we weren't in so deep already.